Posts in Mental Illness
When You Don't Know Where You're Headed

There are moments that I don't know why I am where I am. I don’t know why I’m at this school so far from my family, taking classes that often feel irrelevant; working towards a major I’m no longer certain of and a future I don’t know how to bring into existence.

Moment by moment I have to remind myself: this is where God wants me. I whisper it to myself over and over as I feel the anxiety rising, the demands of the future, the uncertainty in the present: Abba is good and He loves me. Abba is good and He knows what I need.

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When You Feel Abandoned by God

There is a reason why I don’t talk about God very much when I talk about mental illness. I think it’s because I’ve felt its sting myself. On hard days—days where panic rose in surges like a loose wire inside my chest, where I felt as though something inside my head had caved in and all the lights had gone out—I would try to express this struggle, try to ask for help.My well-meaning fellow believers would not quite understand what it felt like to spend my days holding darkness at bay so that I could get dressed, do my work, go out in public and smile and make meaningless conversation. Often they would hear this side of me, a side they could not quite connect with, the healthy-looking girl in front of them, and they would try to heal an unfamiliar ache with something familiar to them...

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To The Girl Facing Mental Illness Every Day

To the girl who faces mental illness every day:

You are not alone.

I have been in your shoes. I have walked this road my whole life, and I have fought that battle to get out of bed in the morning, to stand through the trembling anxiety, to keep breathing when depression wanted to strangle me. It is a real battle. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you it isn’t.

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